I am here…a reflection of a sudden change in reality
Re-birthed from that day…that minute ..those words now defining me..ruling me
Crippling trials..inequitable for those who bleed..who birth ..who sacrifice
A destructive cure ..morphing my cellular biology
Profit.. corruption..pockets lined with Benjamins
Femininity slipping away with each drop of poison entering me..curing me
An attempt to take the best of me
My sword is stronger..sharper…foundation holding strong…no cracks
A balance ..an infusion… a rebalance.. a cut…taking the breast that started humanity.
Forever re-wired…changed….a new birth of resiliency.
Since the start of chemo so much has changed that I can't recognize the person that is staring back at me. It is hard, maybe the hardest thing I have done in my life. You have to be strong not just for yourself but for everyone around you. Chemo affects everything, from muscle atrophy , weight loss, hair loss, cell loss, emotions to stamina. More than anything, I miss normal saliva instead of this metallic taste I have every time I eat or drink. I am sure it is a sign of the toxicity inside of me, but it is....the worst. I can go into a grocery store and just stare at food as nothing looks good and if I get to tasting it...it is not the same.
Next week it is taxol - the chemo that is targeted at my lymph nodes- they say it is easier and I am banking on it but I need to be diligent about preventing neuropathy. Taxol is known to cause damage to the nerves, specifically feet and hands. So I will go into this with my hands and feet packed in ice along with higher doses of alpha lipoid acid and vitamin B.
The last round of AC was almost unbearable...I found myself gagging the entire infusion and it took almost 6 days to partially recovery from the side effects. I am thankful to be done but I am fearful of the next road.
Despite all of this, we turned the page on AC, celebrated our anniversary and my birthday. As much as want to hit fast forward on all of this I realize that this is my journey and I need to figure out meaning behind all of this.